The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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