Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
