You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
