I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
it's like heaven, but drunker
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Couch. On fire.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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