I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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