you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
