I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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