my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
