Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Randomize
