The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
