its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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