She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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