i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
