did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
