I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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