Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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