if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
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