I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
