dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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