I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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