what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My bed is full of blood and feathers
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
