You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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