Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
my liver is dry heaving
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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