I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
and she was petting her beer can
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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