I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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