$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
