I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
