listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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