Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I need mimosas to revive my soul
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
