i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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