So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
