I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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