It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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