god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
as a side note pls kill me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
