he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Don't tell me you're on acid again
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
