I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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