Your tits are I can't wait for
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
