I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
