Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
