$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
