The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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