If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
