So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
