Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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