I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
