I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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