Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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