I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I puked a lego.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
