I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
