my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
