new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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