and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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