Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
