I think im going to throw up on grandma
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
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He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
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This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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