carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
