Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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