I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
