i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
