the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
